The poison coiled in my system. Time slowed and I sat down, mind wide open. With a few recited words I quieted my self and tuned in. My fears, anxieties, and optimism began to form before me. Specters taking form and a voice all their very own. Warmth, breath, anima. familiar and comforting in an unfortunate way.
“Is it self indulgent to leave this place, knowing it is a sinking ship?” Red leader mused. “On the reverse side, is it self-indulgent to stay?”
“We’re in hospice. I have made my peace.” inserted the strong woman
“I prefer to face it alone.” The fiery maiden raged, middle fingers raised in beautiful defiance.
“I…have not been prepared to face the emotional roller coaster tied to my knowledge.” confessed the engineering soul.
“I am testing the waters.” breezed the competent gentleman..These voices confessed, wept, reasoned, argued. It was a moment of surreality. I swallowed my responses and continued to listen with rapt attention. With the patience of hard-earned experience, more figures demanded their turn.
“I am so weary of fighting, so tired of the anxiety, the loneliness, the isolation.” the juggler laid down upon the floor for all to see.
Excitement lit the eyes of the American Medicine man. His heart full of joy painful to see shining in his youthful eyes. “Thank you for sharing.” He stated. Simplicity and honesty that stroked along my inner eye. Feelings of fierce protection gripping my throat as I studied him at leisure.
“This is bullshit.” sighed the apocoptimist. “We have weathered much and can withstand so much more.”
“What steps can we take to at least quiet our hearts and minds? How can we heal and enjoy the time we have?” Asked the pragmatist.
“Will it end quickly or shall we endure prolonged suffering?” the guardian queried
“What is defensible? What is right?” asked the earth mother
So much time spent exploring in depth these voices in my head that faced me in a room no one appreciated more than I. With a grimace and a sigh, I answered them in brief “We need each other. I have born my burden too long alone. I have stood apart in horror and am glad for this short respite. In the end, my soul, it is all in your head. The darkest truth, the greatest freedom. With the last shred of strength I call out to you. I am a conduit of ceaseless energy and possibility. If I could just find that last key to finish the spell, I might be able to save myself.
Whatever that means.
With that, I stood and left the room to return to the demands of my heart.