Trigger

I broke down and told Jae last night.
“Look, I’m so sorry. I am over-reacting to negative stimuli…or even neutral stimuli. I’m mentioning it because it’s not fair to you and I’m spiraling right now. I can see it, but I am not always capable of reigning it back.”
and she was sweet about it and agreed to it. And then, she made me chocolate covered strawberries because she shows her love in servitude. And I’m so grateful for her.
I’ve been emotional eating. I’m feeling super insecure right now. I was a mess like this the year after Joey was born, too. It’s like licking a lightning bolt of joy.
I’ve snapped at joey once or twice, this week, but I apologize and I level with him, too. “I’m sorry, kiddo. You do NOT deserve to be yelled at. Mommy is feeling some big feelings right now, that you did not cause. Please be patient with me and I will be more present with you.”

And should he happen to ask why, I answer as honestly as I can without laying heavy adult stuff on his tiny shoulders.

And, for the most part, we have a really good day after that because I’ve verbally acknowledged that things are not okay and he is more gentle until his lack of impulse control kicks in, because my sweet pumpkin is three years old. And then I more gently re-direct him because I like that he holds passion and excitement about things. I think part of what’s wrong with our current society is the lack of curiousity and lack of aenima. My hypothesis is that it’s been punished out of us. There’s a very vocal and abrasive enforcement of “Do not be loud” “do not be heard” “don’t speak, babble, be active or engage, otherwise, you will be medicated into compliance.”

Trust me, it happened a great deal to my generation and the one immediately following.

I’m trying to put the skids on this downward spiral. I am not winning. I ache along my nerve-endings and I’m exhausted. There are lots of good reasons. It is still my reality.

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