subjected

 

I get stuck. the same cycle of thoughts. the same dark spaces. the same brain-crashing questions about what is real, what is the point. what does it mean. i doubt everything i think. i doubt my legitimacy in everything i do. once upon a time i was diagnosed with bipolar and add but i didn’t believe it. she doesn’t see the anxiety that eats the edges of my brain. i don’t talk about it because sometimes i can see that it’s outlandish. can i? sometimes it blurs. the information leading to a powerful feeling is already fading from my consciousness.

try harder.

try HARDer.

put on your mask. don’t let them smell your fear, instability, panic, hope or everything is endangered.  your mate will be in danger. you jeopardize everything. you…stop talking. stop involving yourself in other peoples’ worlds except as the place holder to their next adventure. there is nothing you personally can offer, so be useful. be useful and then back away.  the disappointment will be so much less than another rejection from another person you tried to be real with. who can’t handle the pain of breathing and feeling in the way that you masochistically revel in your own emotional blood puddle. In your thrill seeking.

be grateful.

stop being challenging. you’re stupid. you don’t see the wider picture. you can’t see the future. you can’t hold all the details in your mind so of course you only see orchestrations to control you. to control the population. you read too much. not everything is heading towards destruction. Those official groups have it under control and they thought about the consequences. it’s magical thinking that i saw the writing on the wall, so to speak, before reading about the failure of this project. temporary setback. Or did i really read that? shit. i don’t remember. what does it mean. what else did i forget? i lose so much. i want to erase this. insecurity eats at the nerves along my arms. did my tattoo just tingle to warn me of…? it does that. it has only done that a dozen times, but i can’t figure out the trigger.

trigger.

 

 

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