There are moments of madness
I’m afraid. I’m afraid that we’ve begun the moderately unpleasant part of the descent into hell. Things are starting to squeeze shut. the ups are less long and farther apart. Let’s run the scenarios:
A) the regime doesn’t give two shits about whether we know we’re being orchestrated towards a culling. They orchestrate the good. They orchestrate the bad. I was writing (terrible) poetry about this eventuality in high school. Which means I may have been in need of therapy a very long time ago or I am adept at reading the “writing on the wall.” I’m not a history buff by anyone’s standard. I am shit with time. It eludes me, which is why i live by my phone as a keeper.Lending myself to the manipulation of statistical human behavior sciences. It’s not paranoia if they’re really out to get you.
B) I’m making connections that are not really there.
I’m meeting such fuckable folk. Totes. They are many positive attributes but are emotionally unavailable. Isn’t that a kick to the groin?
There are moments of joy.
Teaching music in a really limited way to elementary school children has been super cathartic. I have several lesson plan maps I’d love to follow, which allow me to cover the materials while having Socratic type dialogue (as time allows, ha). The naivete is cute. Even I suspect that I’m fantasizing. But, it keeps me focused on happy.
I am seeking help, but I don’t know what to ask for and finding time to read is….overwhelming and exhausting. I hate making official phone calls. I am not interested in being on the phone at the best of times. But, I recognize that I am going to need help.
I want to erase this and cling to the illusion. Maybe the illusion is that it matters. Maybe the illusion is the madness and this is just the human experience? Damn it. I just need a moment to breathe.
There are moments of happy reflection:
I have folks who believe in me. Who prop me up and help me make it from one day to the next. Who check in and accept that “not okay” is okay. I married my best friend and we have been really good at being there, in a pinch, for one another. For a long time. I feel the blessing of that.