Shadow Work

My wife and I spent a week hashing out the darkest pieces of our relationship. Yelling, ugly-crying and defining the “same old shit” so that it took on new meaning that made each of us look at each other more clearly.
We came to the conclusion that we have harmed one another as only lovers can. We are at a place of evolution and growth. We are dedicated to one another in a way that means we can find a way to meet our own needs and each others’ needs.

I went to a clinic and got prescribed chem meds for my bipolar disorder. The first dose made me very ill. I took it, at night, with food. I was hopeful and ready to use it to become a better version of myself. It did not work.

THC/CBD has served its purpose beautifully in giving me the emotional space to process through things and find gratitude and balance.

I have an opportunity to try ayahuasca with a trusted friend. I have read on it and spoken about it, in depth. I am ready to try it as a tool to further refine some of the healing that I want to do. To become less dependent on even plant chemicals and to be more clear-sighted.

There has been a great deal of reflection in the past short while. My stance on things has changed and the trauma of my past needs to stay there so I can embrace my present and sculpt a stronger future. One theme that has recurred to me is that trying to squish my round peg into the thin rectangular spaces reserved for the folks who receive the blanket of society’s protections and inclusion has not mentally served me well. What to do, what to do? Well, Some folks do well carving out their space on the edge. With some support and encouragement, I really feel like I could, too.

I am losing weight as I listen to my body and remove simple carbohydrates from my diet (oats, corn, wheat, potatoes). I am trying to pick up several strands of my life to balance and manage that will keep my family on an even footing and moving forward, without overwhelming myself.  The pendulum has swung because I finally feel heard in my personal life and that’s a relief.

Another relief is the letting go of community service. Raising kids is truly a full-time job and I enjoy being with my littles. Stressing us all out to “do good” is not doing good. It’s creating problems. I release my duties back to the universe until such a time as my children are more independent and can actively be involved. It finally sunk in how quickly this time will pass as our 4-year-old son has readily weaned to his own bed this week. My 1.5-year-old daughter is easily following suit to sleeping in her own bed. It’s a sweet relief and sad that our children are so quick to gain their independence.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s