Today I went to an interview with a university program – I answered the four or five questions the interviewer had for me, and then asked an additional 45 minutes of him, trying to eek out exactly what the parameters of the program are and how I can be most successful in maintaining the delicate balance that is my life.
I am so disheartened. All of my insecurities came gushing up as his answers confirmed my concerns were valid. To my credit, I didn’t become defensive and hopefully appeared calm, collected, and professional. Inside, I was already sobbing at his answers which left so little room for miracles. The facts are, program acceptance is based upon my being offered a job within the field. In my attempt to gain employment, I have been pushed back and balked at, at every attempt to break into the field.
When does perseverence become denial? Asking, for a friend…
And when is my knowledge and experience ever going to amount to acceptable for job expertise? I have been putting forth consistent effort in a multitude of areas of my life – the demons are hard task-masters. Mental collapse keeps threatening, as I have been programmed to equate effort with pay-off. I am open to changing my patterns to gain different results. Am I blind/deaf to some obvious blunders? How do I re-program, already, because this shit is miserable.