I’m all growed out

I’ve been on a personal growth route, spurred by lifelong conditioning and innate competitiveness with my heterosexual life partner. I don’t even know if she ever competes with me….I’ll have to ask her.

I digress.

I have learned many things in my first year teaching preschool. I have learned to stop fearing the worst and to just dive in. I need to slow that down a bit, but it’s been a good lesson on balance.

I’m in the crunch part and i’m determined not to self-sabotage. I am procrastinating due to perceived ineptitude.  My anxiety is so high that I’m calm.
Like the moment the epidural spreads and you’re like…well, fuck. This is a thing. And panicking isn’t going to do shit, so…I may as well breathe.

My neck is tense. My breath is shallow. I can feel  my shoulders dip under the mountain of pressure my anxiety causes. I’m not in a place where I can feel into it to work the energetic knots out. I’ll move there after I set it out,  here.

I am being conscious of not owning other peoples’ moods or actions. I’m still riding the tumultuous environment, though. That’s not easy to carefully guard against. I’ve fallen prey to it many times…Human-ness is a sticky thing. I can also see the burnout in my classroom-mates. I am worried that I contribute to that, so I try to keep my tone positive or dramatic and silly- I’m pretty good at getting them to chuckle.
I’m getting it. I’m starting to become comfortable with handling the INCREDIBLY unpredictable nature of working in a school environment.  I am starting to generalize this skill….Totally leveled up this year. Can I have a year to process, please? the inner-geek in me just wants to buy and then read textbooks in a disciplined manner. So much drive, so little time and health.

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